December 2011
i'm so scared for monday
i don’t want to leave school, i don’t want to go back into treatment, and most of all i don’t want to gain weight.
dyingtobetiny asked: Good luck in residential love. You will do fine. I hope you can learn to lose yourself the way you are, because you are absolutely beautiful. Stay strong, and remember that you are so much better than this disease. you can do it <3
So its (99%) final: I'm going to residential this...
Anonymous asked: Why, what's your current weight? I hope you do well...wishing you good thoughts. <3
So i might be going to Laureate on the 12th
i don’t even know what to think. i’m so numb. i’m not ready for residential.
Anonymous asked: how's your mom going to eat lunch with yu at school? good luck btw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my treatment team gave my parents a list of...
If anyone knows anything about these places/has been to one/has anything to say at all please talk to me!
Oliver Pyratt Centers
Laureate
Avalon Hills
Eating Recovery Center
Remuda Ranch
Mercy Ministries
any feedback?
Anonymous asked: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3...
Anonymous asked: How do you "secretly exercise"?
disappearintothin asked: hope everything goes well<3xxstaystrongbeautiful
shit went down at my appointments yesterday
if i typed out everything that happened, it’d probably take a couple hours and i’d bore you guys to tears. basically:
i am 94 pounds (after eating and drinking all day)
i don’t get to make my meals anymore (parents do, yipee)
i have to go eat lunch with my mom again
i can’t skate anymore
i can’t exercise at all
i will probably need to go back to PHP, and if i...
i know i need more treatment. but i can't get more...
i'm so dizzy
and i don’t know why
it’s just a little past 11:30, and i ate a 460 cal breakfast (bc i have to…) this morning. there’s no reason for me to be dizzy and lightheaded
i mean, obviously i’m not eating lunch but that’s just 1 meal a day. i’m still getting over 1,200 calories per day in food plus an extra 500 with ensure.
dear body, WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME SO...
curiouslycarmen asked: wow, i'm impressed with you. I like seeing you argue with your ED. I just want to offer my support of you being honest with your team. Be as honest with them as you are with us - thats what impresses me about you - your honesty. I know you said ED makes you You and that it makes you special but when I first started following you it was your love for skating that made you You and made you...
passades asked: Good luck. Please just remember that asking for help isn't being weak. It's beating your eating disorder. It's a sign that you're being strong.
Wow. What a day.
What a whirlwind of emotions
I had a complete and utter breakdown with my mom today when I got home from school. I was just feeling so stressed out with all my classes and homework and assignments and tests and essays and shit that I lost it. That, plus body image which has been terrible today. I am just so fat. No one understands. That’s why I’m not in PHP, because I’m too fat....
I can't leave my eating disorder, it's the only...
November 2011
I have to lose weight
I’m just struggling so much right now. my mental status is shit. i’m reminiscing about my eating disorder and how i looked when i was 78 pounds and i want that again. i hate eating. i’m not eating lunch. i’m not eating unless i’m forced to. i’m secretly exercising, over-exercising. i feel like the only way to tell my treatment team that i’m struggling so...
whew (for now)
SCORE:
Me: 1 Treatment team: 0
or should that be
ED: 1 Treatment team: 0?
i’m too good of a liar. i waterloaded, pretended to have gained weight on vacation, pretended to be OK with it, pretended to be doing “so much better”. i told everyone “the cruise really showed me how much fun i’m missing out on because of the ED, i want to get...
when does this shit get better?
i. can’t. eat. i don’t know i just can’t. i really tried to today, i walked to the cafeteria but i couldn’t do it. i stood there looking like a complete idiot, bought a diet snapple, and walked back out. why can’t i eat? it’s such a basic thing. people eat. people eat when they’re hungry, when they crave things, or just for fun. why can’t i do it?...
“I was starving. My stomach being so empty, felt as though it was trying to eat...”
– Anorexic by Anna Paterson (via chemicalrelapse)
my mom told my guidance counselor today that she...
fuck you mom. goddamit, i know i’m a friendless loser already, why do you have to broadcast it to the whole damn world?
i already know i suck at everything. school, skating, friends. the only thing i’m good at is my eating disorder. i WILL get to 78 pounds again, i don’t give a fuck what i have to do to get there. it’s what makes me special. fuck you, mom.
beautybeyondthebones:
Grace. I wish there was more I could do, I look at your pictures and want to cry, I read your posts and feel your pain. You remind me so much of myself and we both fell down at the same time and began recovering round the same time. You will get through this, don’t be discouraged and don’t give up. I believe in you Grace. You can’t go residential but even if you do, just...
Rant
rawrz3dg:
I hate when girls claim to be so healthy and ‘recovered’ when they’re eating like 1,000-1,200 calories, exercising way too much, and way underweight. That’s not recovered! Yeah you’re eating, but not enough. And your muscle is hardly noticeable when you’re so skeletal. Youre not fit, you’re underweight. Learn the difference.
Sorry to be harsh, but it pisses me off.
Anonymous asked: how much do you weigh in those pictures you posted?
Anonymous asked: there's no way you're 100% weight restored in those pictures you posted...
2 tags
2 tags
having a pretty good body image day :)
i think i might upload some pictures from my cruise if you guys want. yes/no? yay/nay?
Anonymous asked: Not only do I love your blog ( heh found it ) but I also am secretly infatuated with you. K. here we go I got this idea from a spam msg I received on Facebook lol.. I know you like me but were always way too shy to say so :3 go hit up crushmasher(dõt)com (uhh it wont let me do a regular link) then make an acct there. Search for the profile 'justmeandu33' ( obv me ) I posted body...
I hate relapses. I don't know whether I want to...
870) Telling me I look "so much better" means I'm...
back from my cruise(:
it was fun :) scary, but fun. the scary part was obviously the food. there was so. freaking. much. of. it. everywhere.
24/7 buffet
2 ice cream sundae stations
free pina coladas all over the place
7 course dinners
24/7 room service
24/7 pizza/burger/hot dog service
also, the food itself was scary. i’m eating following the exchange system (per my treatment center’s requirements),...
Anonymous asked: hey! :) I found this really great anorexia recover/support blog! Just thought you should check it out as I think you could inspire a lot of people with your story! <3 it is: letsrecovertogether
nutritionist appointment today
to fake weight or not to fake weight…that is the question.
going on a cruise this saturday :)
i’m so excited. it’s the one thing i’m looking forward to. i need to get away from all this shit, i need to feel normal. i need to not be the girl with the eating disorder, the girl in the hospital all the time. i need to go to the beach and tan and go swimming and have fun.
but i’m supposed to gain weight on the vacation. if i don’t gain i will be forced to either...
what is the point anymore?
my mom is a filthy, fucking liar. i hate my life, i hate myself, i fucking hate eating. i want to disappear. i want to die.
I hate my pointless existence.
I don't have to do maudsley :)
me: 1
stupid ass family therapist: 0
GUYS GUESS WHAT
i’m getting a puppy for christmas :)
we’re rescuing a baby golden retriever
ahhh! <3
not a good nutritionist meeting
i keep losing weight. i swear to god i’m not trying to, eating has just been so hard lately. i freak out not knowing my exact weight in the morning. my nutritionist said i was around 96 - 97 pounds today (she won’t tell me the exact number, ugh) which means i’m probably around 94-95 pounds in the morning before eating and drinking. idk though. after meeting with me, normally she...
curiouslycarmen asked: what do you think about maudsley? I only watched one documentary on it but it seems like it gets good results.