when does this shit get better?
i. can’t. eat. i don’t know i just can’t. i really tried to today, i walked to the cafeteria but i couldn’t do it. i stood there looking like a complete idiot, bought a diet snapple, and walked back out. why can’t i eat? it’s such a basic thing. people eat. people eat when they’re hungry, when they crave things, or just for fun. why can’t i do it? why is it so hard for me?
i mean, i’m fine eating at home with my parents. i don’t have too much of a problem completing meals when i’m forced to. it’s the eating on my own thing that’s so impossible. i feel like an utter failure if i eat anything when i don’t have to. i feel like i’m failing my ED. i feel like everyone is staring at me, thinking “why is she eating? she doesn’t need to. she’s not deadly thin”.
oh, well. there’s no point in trying to force myself to eat today. today, i’m being re-evaluated to see if i need to go back to PHP or possibly residential. if i do, don’t i want to be as thin as possible? duh.
why am i so messed up?
