Wow. What a day.
What a whirlwind of emotions
I had a complete and utter breakdown with my mom today when I got home from school. I was just feeling so stressed out with all my classes and homework and assignments and tests and essays and shit that I lost it. That, plus body image which has been terrible today. I am just so fat. No one understands. That’s why I’m not in PHP, because I’m too fat. That’s what was running through my mind all day. It was a constant battle between myself and my eating disorder
you’re so fat. if you were 78 pounds again no one would hesitate to put you in PHP
I’m still underweight. I lost my period again
who gives a fuck about your period. that only means you’re fat. it’s a good sign that you lost it again. moving in the right direction
What’s the right direction? Gaining or losing or maintaining?
losing, of course. lose more, lose more while you’re out of treatment. lose as fast as you can. prove how sick you are.
But I don’t WANT to be sick. I want to be happy.
no you don’t, you pig. you’re nothing. you’re worthless without me, your eating disorder.
like i said, a constant battle. I really can’t take this anymore. i know i need more treatment. the problem will be admitting it and being honest with my team. i’m meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow, my parents want to talk to him about PHP or residential. i’ll let you guys know how that goes…
